


Seeking redemption

by lw531



Category: Love Victor (TV 2020), Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Angst, Benji's gone to AA, Boys In Love, Fluff, Gay disaster, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Prayer, Swooning, Twelve steps, Victor's in therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:40:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 15,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25361800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lw531/pseuds/lw531
Summary: What's on Victor's mind in the hours after that amazing kiss from Benji and the awkward conversation with his family?Despite his best efforts, he hurt the people who made the most of his short time in Creekwood.Well, almost everyone.In the midst of wheels turning and text rereading, a new message appeared.Goodnight, Sweetie, Benji sent, with a kissing emoticon.
Relationships: Armando Salazar & Isabel Salazar, Benjamin "Benji" Campbell/Victor Salazar, Lake Meriweather & Mia Brooks, Lake Meriwether/Felix Weston, Victor Salazar & Felix Weston, Victor Salazar & Pilar Salazar, Victor Salazar & Simon Spier
Comments: 39
Kudos: 92





	1. Prologue - Benji's Willacoochie Angst

**Author's Note:**

> After binging Love Victor, there were some things I wanted to see for continuity. Reading other fans' initial responses to the show, I wanted to write about shared concerns and desires for Season 2. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, let me know if you have any questions or anything you'd like to see.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What was going on in Benji's head after Victor kissed him in WIllacoochie?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite what Victor insisted, we all know Benji kissed him back. What was he thinking and feeling about that kiss? Why did he insist on being quiet?

After Victor left the room, Benji sat in bed mortified. One, Victor was a really good kisser. All the feels he was scared of having confirmed. Two, while Victor initiated, he definitely responded; he grabbed Victor’s arm, bit Victor’s bottom lip and only pulled away after the third kiss. As soon as Victor apologized, Benji was conflicted because, with the hard time Victor was having with sex and Mia, the moment they had making latte art after their classes, the way they would sneak looks at each other during the road trip. He was never sure whether he was catching Victor or Victor was catching him. 

He didn’t pick up Derek’s call because he never met Derek at the concert. He didn’t want to meet Derek at the concert, not when he minimized their milestone. It didn’t matter to him. He used all those words, saying they didn’t have to be like straight people and, for him, it wasn’t about that, it was about taking the time to show someone you cared, that you were grateful to be in their lives. Victor chose to wait with him  _ instead  _ of going to the important party for Mia. Victor would do anything for him--but then he apologized for the kiss. He tapped his shoulder, went into Benji hungrily and desperately and then just apologized. 

Even though Victor walked in and tried his best to sleep on a chair, Benji couldn’t sleep. He did his best to keep his eyes closed and only when he heard a soft purr from Victor sleeping did he open his eyes. He took in the sight of Victor, who appeared to be sleeping fitfully, knowing he couldn’t tell Derek. Derek cared him, as much as they were having their issues and Benji was trying to make sense of who they were. He texted him that he was thinking of him and apologized for not picking up his call because there was bad reception. 

Afterwards, he scrolled through social media until he got bored, which let him fall asleep. 

In the morning, he and Victor got ready in silence. He grabbed coffee from the lobby and stayed there until Victor left the room. When Victor tried to speak to him in the car, he turned on the music because didn’t want to admit to feelings that wouldn’t be reciprocated. He’s been on both sides of that too much--trying to be straight or having boys think that being gay was another reason to hurt someone. Just because he was out and okay with it, no longer drinking, didn’t mean he was okay with what people felt they could do because of it. He wanted more from Victor; he thought he was doing a good job of being a good friend with Victor. Romantic, easy to talk to Victor who had to ruin everything by kissing him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I was writing fluff, I kept revisiting that hotel room kiss and the angsty conversation Venji (Victor and Benji) had in Brasstown's kitchen. I needed to put this on paper to explain the fluff that was coming up and to acknowledge that Benji for all his happy go lucky, is incredibly guarded. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think, your kudos and comments bring light to my day! :)


	2. Prologue - Benji's Willacoochie Angst

That night, his parents asked questions, Adrian shrugged, and Pilar stuck around to see what would become of the storm she inadvertently created.  _ The answer to his parents' questions were simple, yes I’ve known for a while. I did care about Mia but not the way I care about boys. I know the difference. I feel the way about boys the way I wanted to feel about Mia. No, Felix is just a friend. No, I’m not saying this to disappoint you. I’m the same Victor I was yesterday.  _ His mom was more concerned about Mia than about what it meant for him to like boys. His dad was more concerned about what he must have missed that led Victor to like boys. After their questions, Pilar looked uncomfortable, embarrassed, something he rarely saw on her. Adrian looked confused and, in the midst of the conversation, snuck off to bed, much to Victor’s amusement and jealousy. His mom ended the conversation, equal parts about the parents’ separation and Victor’s news, saying  _ we want you to know we love you, we’ll get through this and we’ll always be open to talk.  _ Victor’s dad agreed saying,  _ I will always be in your lives and we are hopeful that these struggles shall pass.  _

Victor wasn’t so sure. Equal parts relieved to finally say “I’m gay,” and equal parts confused about what it meant that months after they all decided to move to Creekwood, his father was going to be moving out yet staying close, he finally let out his deepest secret, and he had no idea where his place in his family was. Laying on his bed, street lamp light streaming in, he looked at his phone and considered either writing Simon or Benji to talk about what happened. He didn’t know what to say and knowing it was late, he didn’t know where to begin with Simon. 

As he scrolled through his texts, coming across Mia’s name broke his heart. The first person to be kind and gentle with him and he ruined her night after one of the most difficult nights she had. He had broken his promise to himself and let down his best friend in the process. His efforts at being kind blowing up in his face because of the game of he said she said that went on in high school. Despite his best efforts, he hurt the people who made the most of his short time in Creekwood. 

Well,  _ almost  _ everyone. 

In the midst of wheels turning and text rereading, a new message appeared. 

_ Goodnight, Sweetie,  _ Benji sent, with a kissing emoticon. 

His kiss with Benji reminded him of how Simon described kissing should feel like. The butterflies were different, excited and always wanting more. They didn’t want to part ways that night, not when they did and it was, well, in thinking about it, the way Benji looked at him, eyes full and warm like he always wished they’d be on looking at him, it was so much more different than it had been with Mia. He didn’t know someone could feel as strongly. He didn’t know that Benji’s feelings were growing just as much as his had been and knowing that, feeling that, hearing that...he didn’t know his heart could grow bigger in his chest. 

He touched his lips, closed his eyes, having the memory of his face pressing against his, the taste of his tongue, lull him into a sleep filled with the sweetest dreams. 


	3. Looking forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What was Benji thinking or doing after leaving the Spring Fling?
> 
> ... it took another person, Victor, pretty much professing his love for Benji to open Derek’s eyes to how much he was taking for granted. And it came so easy to Victor, easy in a way that he realized, it never did to Derek. Derek loved teaching Benji how to be gay but and he enjoyed what of Derek’s habits that Benji loved to share.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In rewatching Love Victor, I realized that Benji was struggling with his feels throughout the season, holding back when he thought a) Victor wasn't gay and that b) Victor wasn't interested. So I wrote this chapter from his POV

Benji couldn’t help but text Victor. As much as he said he’d call him tomorrow, he just needed to make sure that their kiss--their kisses--happened. Cabbing it home, his heart fluttered with the memory of Victor smiling back at him as he was working to wrap up his night. Since their kiss in Willacoochie, the one Victor took full responsibility for, he’d been torn. Aside from their band, Derek hadn’t really been interested in anything he wanted to do. Victor never did or said anything before and so that kiss so far from home meant, well, he returned it until he remembered that, for all their flirting, Victor had been with Mia. He didn’t know what happened between the kiss and the dance but  _ something  _ happened. And that speech, all those wonderful things he said to Derek to help  _ them  _ stay together, he was selfless and generous in a way that, he had to admit, Derek hadn’t really been. 

Derek had come so soon after he came out, sharing a love of music and Derek was a good kisser and was an escape of the everyday expectations of straight people. They had fun together so long as Derek didn’t have to hang with high school people. It’s like Derek forgot his boyfriend was in high school. 

Maybe that’s why it was so easy to break up with him. It’s not like he wasn’t quick to not trust him because of a little gossip. And it took another person, Victor, pretty much professing his love for Benji to open Derek’s eyes to how much he was taking for granted. And it came so easy to Victor, easy in a way that he realized, it never did to Derek. Derek loved teaching Benji how to be gay but and he enjoyed what of Derek’s habits that Benji loved to share. 

As he got out of the car, he loosened his tie, ran his fingers through his hair, thinking about the possibilities ahead of him. He’d broken up with his first boyfriend. Maybe he was headed to start dating another. He hoped so, he thought to himself as he walked through the door. On entering, while the front room light was on, it was fairly quiet on the first floor. He walked back towards the kitchen, grabbing glass of water, noticing the light on in his father’s office. “G’night, Dad,” he said as he walked passed the semi-open door. 

“G’night, Benjamin,” his father answered. 

Walking towards the stairs, he began to loosen his tie, wondering if he would tell his mother about what happened with Derek and how he’d finally come to terms with his feelings about Victor. 

Getting ready for bed, he had to come to terms with the challenge he had given to Victor. He knew how hard it was to come out and how differently people treated you. And Victor was still new. He had to defend Benji and Derek’s right to kiss each other to his family. How would they react? Would be be okay? Thinking about these questions as he brushed his teeth and wash his face, he didn’t want to go the night without reaching out to Victor. Let him know he was thinking about him. 

So, on hanging up his clothes, he pulled out his phone.  _ Thinking of you... _ he began to type and then delete. Then he went for,  _ I can’t stop thinking about kissing you... _ and then realized that he didn’t know what was going on in Victor’s world. He went, after a half a dozen other attempts, with a  _ Goodnight, Sweetie  _ with a kiss emoticon. 

Laying down in his bed, with the phone to his chest, he could still taste the feel of Victor’s eager lips on his hours after they parted ways. He bit his lips and closed his eyes, looking forward to the dreams ahead. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!! I look forward to comments, questions and, of course, kudos!!


	4. Saturday morning at Brasstown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix and Victor talk about what happened at the dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite saying I'd wait, writing the morning after came easier than expected. This chapter is mostly from Victor's perspective.

Victor awoke as the sun rose, torn between the giddiness of Benji’s text and the uncertainty of his parents’ reactions to his confession. Despite the conflict, he felt he could breathe and he felt more rested than he’s felt since moving away from Texas. He picked up his walkie-talkie, considering offering Felix an update. On picking it up, he didn’t know what to say because he hadn’t completely followed his advice on telling Mia and he had broken Mia’s heart, despite his best efforts. He needed more than a conversation of whimsy. He decided to text him instead. 

Victor:  _ I’m sorry for disappearing, can you come by Brasstown today?  _

Felix:  _ Sure, a lot to catch up on yeah?  _ _  
_ Victor: _ Yeah  _

After that brief set up, Victor made his way out of his room and into the kitchen. There, he found Adrian eating cereal and his father doing inventory of what was in the kitchen. “Good morning,” Victor offered as he went to open the fridge.

On pulling out the milk, he met his father’s eyes and Armando said, “Buen dia, Flaco,” with a small smile, “you work today?”

Victor nodded quickly, adding, “I should be back at three.”

On seeing the cafetero empty, he pulled out the Cafe Bustelo out of the cabinet and made enough coffee for him, Pilar, and their mom. He then pulled out bread and butter, to prepare himself some tostada with his coffee. 

There was something hilarious about making himself coffee before going to work at a cafe. Then again, he was Puerto Rican, he could never have too much coffee. And the coffee at Brasstown wasn’t like Cafe Bustelo. 

Once a few slices of bread were drenched in melted butter, he took it to the table, sitting next to Adrian. As tempted as he was to pull out his phone and see if there were any updates, he knew he had to be vigilant with how others were going to respond to him. His father calling him “Flaco,” was good but, as he was eating breakfast, he and Adrian remained quiet in a way that filled the air around them with a lot of tension. He was going to be looking forward to work because at least it’d offer a distraction. 

As he began washing his mug and plate, Pilar came out and asked, “Where’s mom?”

“She’s at church,” Armando said with a sigh. 

Victor could feel the blood draining from his face. 

“I’m just gonna get ready for work,” Victor said as he set his dishes in the drying rack. He rushed through his shower, getting dressed and then headed out to Brasstown. 

***

On the other side of town, Mia’s head still hurt from crying. She wasn’t sure what hurt more, Victor’s betrayal or Andrew’s rejection or that she had to rely on Veronica for comfort. Because Victor was working at her favorite Brasstown, she couldn’t find escape or release there. She wanted to stay in bed, despite Lake blowing up her phone, because she didn’t want to face the world feeling as alone as she felt. 

As much as Victor broke her heart, she didn’t want to talk about with Lake. As much as Lake was her girl, she had her limits. There were things she didn’t understand, which was clear with her dynamic with Felix. She’d either want to wreak vengeance or play the evasion game and it would mean trusting her with more than she’s ever trusted her with--she trusted Victor. She confided in Victor because she thought he was different--not the different that couldn’t love her but the different that could. 

That Andrew wanted to be that different really didn’t help because she wanted him to comfort her and the way he said no, that he wanted to be more didn’t really help. She didn’t want to think about the way she treated him the first time she had sex. She didn’t want to think about how she treated him since. She just wanted someone who wasn’t going to leave her. And her options, this white woman who her father’s building a new life with, isn’t the person she wants to stay. 

***

Victor’s first Saturday shift without Benji was bittersweet. The weather getting warmer didn’t really affect the number of people walking in. He was learning to manage getting the milk, grabbing the small pitcher, and heating the milk without Benji there to pass everything to him. Felix walked in right before Victor’s first break, which was a relief, because he hadn’t really heard about how his night went. 

“So,” Felix started, “thanks for the Olive Garden gift card?”

“What?” Victor asked, pulling up a seat and setting down a cup of tap water. 

“Yeah,” Felix said, “you and Mia won king and queen of the spring fling and Lake and me accepted on your behalf--

“What--you and Lake--how?” Victor asked leaning in to listen and take a sip of water. 

“Well,” Felix said, “your names were announced, they kept calling out for you and then Lake went up for Mia and invited me up there and then had this beautiful speech about how all I wanted was for her to be happy so she apparently got over the fear of being publicly seen with me.” 

Victor sighed and then put on a smile because, as bad as the night was for him, it was so much better for Felix and he wanted to be happy for Felix, “That’s so awesome, I’m so happy for you--

“So,” Felix said, “Lake told me that she hadn’t heard from Mia all night, or all morning and while you asked me here because you were gonna tell me how it went, I kinda wondered what happened because of Pilar asking me what was up and then you disappearing and Mia not answering…

“She caught me--” Victor blurted hanging his head low, “I was trying to explain to Derek that the kiss was all me and that he shouldn’t give up on a great guy like Benji and I took a breather after all that and then Benji found me told me he broke up with Derek and we got to talking and we kissed and--

“Woah,” Felix said rubbing his neck, “did Mia see you?”

“Yeah,” Victor breathed looking down at his feet, “I mean I tried, I wanted to wait and then I got caught up in the moment and I was--she was talking with Andrew and she said he just confirmed what she saw and I was such an asshole about this--

“No lies there,” Felix said, “I mean it’s weird to be happy for you knowing that you broke Mia’s heart. At least she had Andrew there for her, I mean he  _ is  _ trying to make different, less jerk-y choices about how he treats people.”

“Yeah,” Victor said, “I know. Pilar was pissed at me because I hurt Mia, her first friend. I haven’t seen my mom and my dad, at least, still calls me Flaco.”

“And your mom?”

“I dunno,” Victor said, “she was in church this morning and I’m not sure how to talk to her. But,” Victor said, “I’ll figure this out. Tell me more about what happened with Lake.” 

Felix’s retelling of his happy night dominated his thoughts for the rest of his shift. While Benji’s lips and eyes and smile popped up in his memory as he caught himself doing cafe latte art or bumping the fridge door closed with his hips, those thoughts also led to reminders of the people he hurt and disappointed. Simon was right, he should have ripped the gay band-aid off quickly. In trying so hard to take care of everyone, he didn’t really take care of anyone. At least, not the way he wanted. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added Mia's perspective quickly because her nonverbal reaction to Victor stuck with me. Hilson slayed at giving us Mia's heartbreak, devastated face. It's brief


	5. Salazar's have their work ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yeah,” Isabel interrupted, “Because Pilar was having such a hard time and we were…”Isabel began, stopping herself, “I feel like I lost sight of him, wanting someone to be okay here.”  
> “Me, too,” Armando said, “and I know he needs me--  
> ‘Us”  
> “He needs both of us to be brave for him,” Armando said, “and I don’t....I don’t know how.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do Armando and Isabel talk to Pilar and Adrian while Victor's at work? This chapter takes place while Victor's at work. Thinking about the episode "Sweet Sixteen," as well as Isabel telling Victor he's her rock, I imagined what I'd like to happen.

On waking up Saturday morning, Isabel found that her eyes opened before the sun peeked out the window. She turned to find Armando’s side of the bed empty, something she’d have to get used to. In times like these, she needed church. She moved quietly. She traveled between her room and the bathroom, taking a shower, brushing her teeth and getting dressed to go see if she could find a church, any church open. 

By the time she got to the kitchen, she found Armando there, head resting on folded hands, eyes closed. “Hey,” she said smoothing her hand over her head. 

“Buen dia, Bebi--Isabel,” Armando said opening his eyes and taking Isabel in. “Couldn’t sleep?”

She shook her head as she took the seat across from him, “I slept a little. Last night was…

Armando sighed, “I wasn’t expecting that--

“Me either,” she answered, “and I feel like I should have seen it--

“How could we--with how my dad is and how much--

“Yeah,” Isabel interrupted, “Because Pilar was having such a hard time and we were…”Isabel began, stopping herself, “I feel like I lost sight of him, wanting  _ someone  _ to be okay here.”

“Me, too,” Armando said, “and I know he needs me--

‘Us”

“He needs both of us to be brave for him,” Armando said, “and I don’t....I don’t know how.”

“Me either,” Isabel said, feeling her eyes get glassy, “I’m up to see if I can find a church open, even just a chapel. Necesito ese refugio right now.”

Armando nodded, “I’ll be here when they wake. I think Flaco works today?”

Isabel nodded. 

“I’ll be with the kids until you get back and then start searching for…”

“Okay,” Isabel said offering a small smile, not wanting to hear the words, “Thanks.”

With that, she stood up from her seat, grabbed her purse, and walked outside. As the sun rose, she knew it’d be difficult to find a church open before 7, but she had time. And the walk could do her good. 

***

After Victor left for work, Armando told his other children, “we need to talk--

“About?” Pilar said with a yawn and an eye roll.

“How to support Victor,” Armando said.

“He shouldn’t have lied,” PIlar said, “his decisions don’t only affect him, you know I really liked Mia, no one’s been as nice to me as--

“What he did to Mia isn’t right,” Armando said, resting his hand on Pilar’s, “he shouldn’t have lied. Think about Tito, m’ija, and how I talked about el--the guy who wore pink to church on Sunday--did he really have a choice?”

“He should have told her earlier,” Pilar said, “instead of dragging on like did. What am I supposed to say to her? I didn’t like what he did to her?”

“The truth,” Armando said with a shrug, “that you didn’t know. That you want to be friends. Your brother’s choices do not define you.”

“It’s not like it’s a big deal,” Adrian offered, tone upbeat, “it just means he wants to kiss boys instead of girls, right? Jesus will still love him--

“You’re right, m’ijo,” Armando said resting his other hand on his youngest’s, “Jesus will still love him. Others might not, though, which is what we need to talk about. There will be people at school who will talk about your brother like Tito talks about being--

“Gay,” Pilar finished his sentence, “high school sucks.”

“Yeah,” Armando chuckled, “teenagers are so mean.”

They had brief laughter before Armando continued, “Victor has always come through for us and now it’s time we step up for him. It doesn’t mean we say his lying is okay. It means we think about why he lied--”

“He didn’t want to disappoint, Tito,” Adrian offered, “I know how Tito talks about me. I mean, I know I like girls, but I see it. I see how Abuelita talks to Mom, too. They think because we’re different that we don’t love them…

“That’s a great way to put it,” Armando said, his eyes getting watery, “and we all know that’s not true. Like with Tito and Abuela, we’ll need time to tell them, you know, because they’re not going to take it easy.”

Pilar looked down and thought out loud, “I didn’t think about that. I mean,” she added, “I know what people used to say, the name calling that happened even at middle school. Victor told me one time when a kid ate salad that....his friends didn’t say nice things.”

“My friends didn’t say nice things in high school either,” Armando reflected, “it’s hard to see how much hasn’t changed.” 

Armando took a beat knowing that standing up to his father was something he rarely did, a lack of self-defense he admitted to Victor. 

“I know I’m not going to be here every time you wake up,” Armando offered, “but I want you to know that I’m here for you, whatever you need, and I love you….”

“We love you too,” Adrian and Pilar answered, tightening their hands around their father’s. 

They sat there a while, taking in all the changes that were happening around them. Victor being the one who needed help. Armando’s pending move. In between the two, the uncertainty of what would like ahead. 

***

Isabel walked a couple miles before she found a church opening up, minutes before eight. On seeing a lay person unlock and prop the door open, she walked up the path, anxious to sit in front of the image of Christ to lay her burdens down. Ever since she was little, she found comfort in the images of Jesus and the saints. Church was her refuge, the place she could be herself. 

The warm light streaming from the windows, the soft candlelight of the altar were home to her. She shared the love of church with her own grandmother, Clari, who found refuge in leaving her burdens at the feet of La Virgen. Isabel deviated from that, only a little, still wearing the medal her grandmother gave her for her first communion. 

She sat in the back, taking in the new surroundings, nostalgic for the smells and sounds of the church she grew up in, the church in which she had her kids baptized. Leaving home was so hard for her and yet, she had to admit, getting married so young, having kids so young, kept her from really seeing herself. Finally being able to breathe--and not just because another guy provided that outlet--she had to come to terms with what lay ahead. 

Sitting there, letting the lifelong struggle Victor would face as a gay Latino in a new town, she couldn’t help the tears that started falling down her face. He had been born her rock and now her rock would have to weather storms of which she knew so little. How had she missed the signs? How did she not see that her son was hurting? Even on asking the questions, she knew the answer, if she couldn’t see herself, how could she her children? If she felt something missing in her life despite the joy being a mother provided her, how could she fully embrace the joy and responsibility of motherhood? 

Once service began, she found herself in familiar territory, the rites offering a spiritual lullaby in which she could lay her burdens down. Because it wasn’t a Sunday service, there was an absence of a sermon. Still, the gospel’s words flowed through her and, by the end of the service, she felt she had found a church she’d want to come back to. 

Looking at her watch, she realized she’d need a ride home to prep for her first piano lesson that Saturday, so she sent a text to Armando, asking him to pick her up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know your thoughts on how I approached Armando and Isabel and how they talk to Adrian and Pilar. Don't worry, Isabel will have a similar conversation with her kids. It's in the works. And there will be a future chapter where Victor has one on one's with Armando and Isabel. 
> 
> Thanks as always, for reading, comments, questions, and kudos are always welcome!


	6. VEnji fluff and feels

Waking up on Saturday, he was grateful he didn’t have to open the new location. Without Derek to take him to work, he had to figure out how to get there by public transit. He rushed to get ready between his room and the bathroom, before grabbing his phone, looking up to see if he could find the transit schedule on his phone. “Good morning,” he greeted as he caught the sounds of his parents’ dishes echoing down the hall. 

“Hey, sweetie,” his mom, Carol, from whom he inherited his Strawberry blonde silky strands, and pouty bottom lip, greeted. 

“What are you up to today?”

She shrugged, “I have some errands to run for the Rotary Club, and then book club, you?”

“I have to figure out how to take the bus to work today--

“And Derek?” his father, Jack, asked looking up from his newspaper. 

“We broke up,” Benji answered turning towards the man from whom he inherited his angular features. 

“Oh,” his father answered, and then returned to reading. 

“I can take you dear--

“To the downtown location,” Benji asked, “because I just switched and--

“Of course,” his mom offered, “the bus stop is a ways from here and I’m headed in that direction anyway.” 

As he and his mom got into her car, she started conversation, “I’m so sorry to hear about you and Derek, dear.”

Benji shrugged, “Thanks, Mom, I mean,” he said shifting the tone of the conversation, “he’s a good guy but it turned out we just wanted different things. And, since he graduated high school, we’ve been growing apart, I just didn’t realize it until Victor…

“Victor?” 

Benji blushed and picked at his nails, “Yeah, he’s a new kid who’s been working with me at Brasstown--well we worked at the same Brasstown till I switched…” 

“Oh,” Carol said more like a question, “the boy who’s birthday party you went to?”

Benji nodded, “turns out he’s gay--I mean I didn’t know at first, you know, because he was trying to date this girl, Mia Brooks,” Benji paused for a beat considering his words, knowing that she’d be on the receiving end of very difficult news today. “I just thought he was so easy to talk to and nervous about being here--I switched because he kissed me and I didn’t want to hurt my relationship with Derek, you know, because I didn’t know what kissing me meant to him and as easy as he was to talk to, I didn’t want to be... you know.”

“An experiment?” Carol offered meeting her son’s eyes at a red light. 

Benji nodded, “I mean he did apologize and explained he’s been struggling because of his parents and grandparents and being new--but before last night, I just thought he was kissing the only gay guy he knew.”

“Before last night?” Carol asked as they approached their final turn. 

Benji chuckled, “Well, Victor’s sister ended up kind of telling Derek and then Derek and I got into it. Victor caught us and explained that it was all his fault and that I was a patient, caring, sweet guy...and he said I was the best mom and I just...no one’s ever talked about me like that, not Derek, not…”

“Oh,” Carol practically squealed, “I’m sorry to hear about Derek, but I’m so happy someone sees you the way I see you,” she concluded. 

“Thanks, Mom,” Benji said, “that means a lot, I never thought that after…”

Carol pulled him into a hug, saying, “Hush now, the past is in the past and you have grown so much since you’ve been honest with who you are.” 

Benji took in a deep breath, the comforting smell of his mother’s perfume, before heading into work. 

***

Getting used to a new staff is never easy. Still, the adjustments of new people, new regulars and new rhythms was enough of a distraction for Benji who, as elated as he was about Victor, was worried about him and the conversations Victor would be having with his family and his...Mia. He forgot to see if Victor was working that day, let alone his hours, so he wasn’t sure when he was going to call. And, however excited he was, he was going to let Victor call because Victor had a lot to do. He told his parents after an alcohol induced car accident; Victor was telling his parents after bringing a girl home. He didn’t know what to expect. Derek’s parents were estranged and aloof around him, indifferent to his gay life, as Derek put it. What would Victor’s parents be like? They’re really involved in his life--even his grandparents are--and, given the road trip, he knew Victor was probably scared about how coming out would change his relationship with his parents. 

Coming out isn’t easy and while his mom called it being honest with himself about who he was, not everyone saw it as easily as that. Derek’s parents and Benji’s own dad didn’t kick them out but they stopped talking the way they used to--Derek’s parents didn’t talk to him at all, not in any way that mattered. Derek filled their gap with gay and other queer friends of all ages and the band. Benji had work and school, and all the ways he wanted to be artistic. He didn’t know if he should have the band anymore, considering it was Derek’s project. It’d be weird to be singing to Victor all the while Derek’s on guitar behind him. How many other things would be different because he wasn’t with Derek anymore, he thought to himself? 

The lunch rush distracted him from these questions easily enough, the demand of drinks, sandwiches, and pastries invading his thoughts. 

***

In the midst of preparing for his break, his phone ran with a call from Victor. “Hey,” he greeted him, unable to not smile, “how’s it goin?”

“I just got off work,” Victor answered, taking a deep breath and letting the sun shine on his face. “It’s so good to hear your voice, Benji.”

“Yours, too, babe,” Benji said, feeling his cheeks warm, “I’m off to break, so just gimme a sec.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Victor said, “I started a couple hours earlier today…”

“I didn’t have to open today,” Benji said as he walked from behind the counter and strolled outside. “My mom ended up driving me because I didn’t have my usual ride and she wanted to make sure I wasn’t late.”

“Hmm,” Victor said, “I didn’t realize...so you’re gonna stay there now that--”

“Umm,” Benji chuckled, “I’ll see. This site is a little different, I do miss the regulars…”

“The regulars?”

“And this new barista I trained,” Benji adds, biting his lip.

“Yeah? He doesn’t make latte art like you do..”

Benji giggled, “Really?”

“No,” Victor answered, his cheeks warming having little to do with the afternoon sun, “he didn’t have enough lessons.”

“Well,” Benji said, “I’ll have to make sure to give him a few more, you know, the next time I see him.” He then shifted to a less flirty tone and added, “I wonder when that will be”

“I dunno,” Victor answered, “I mean my parents took it...okay, I guess, and apparently Mia saw us kissing and she’s not answering my calls…”

“Oh, Victor,” Benji said, frowning, “that sucks, she must feel awful--

“Yeah,” Victor said with a heavy sigh, “my mom was disappointed that I hurt a nice girl, too, and I just…”

“I know,” Benji said.

“It’s good to be,” Victor started, “I feel so much lighter now that I’m out to family and friends, I just wish--

“No one got hurt,” Benji interjected. 

With a deep breath, Victor said, “Yeah,” adding, “I’m finally ready to like who I am and I don’t know how to feel about other people’s feelings…”

“Give Mia time,” Benji offered, “because it’s two kinds of heartbreaks, you know. Losing her boyfriend and then learning that she cared about someone who didn’t--who couldn’t feel the same.”

“I’m sorry to start us off like this,” Victor said switching his phone to the other side of his head, “All I wanna do is go see you and I feel like I still have a lot to do, you know, with coming out and--

“I’m not going anywhere, Victor,” Benji said, “one of the reasons I like you so much is because you care so much about your people. You’ve been here in such a short time and touched all of us with that big heart of yours.” Benji paused wishing he could hold Victor’s hand, or hug him to comfort him. “We have time, Victor,” he said, “you’re not alone in this.”

“Aww,” Victor said, melting on his side of the phone, “Benji…”

“That swoony voice of yours is going to make working for the rest of the day...distracting,” Benji said slightly above a whisper. 

“Going home is easier for me, now that I’ve talked to you,” Victor said, “hopefully we can talk more later. Text me when you get off work.”

“Sure,” Benji said sticking his free hand in his pocket, “talk soon.”

Victor breathed, “Bye,” right before the both clicked to end the call. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bendicion, Mom,” he said greeting his mother with a kiss on the cheek.   
> “Que Dios to bendiga, m’ijo,” she answered, turning towards him and giving him a hug.   
> He hugged her back and, when she squeezed, he did all he could do to not well up with tears.   
> “I love you no matter what,” she said, releasing him and maintaining eye contact, “you know that right?”  
> He nodded offering a smile, hoping it said what he didn’t have the words to say.
> 
> or Salazar's continue the conversation they started the night after the dance , hoping Victor knows that they love him no matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm too excited about these characters to quit! They're so much fun, right!?
> 
> I don't have a Beta and I didn't write the accent marks over the words I should have because I just wanted to know what y'all thought of where I was taking it.

Victor walked in to find his sister and brother watching tv and his mother cooking. Part of him wanted to ask where his dad was but he wasn’t sure he wanted the answer yet. “Bendicion, Mom,” he said greeting his mother with a kiss on the cheek. 

“Que Dios to bendiga, m’ijo,” she answered, turning towards him and giving him a hug. 

He hugged her back and, when she squeezed, he did all he could do to not well up with tears. 

“I love you no matter what,” she said, releasing him and maintaining eye contact, “you know that right?”

He nodded offering a smile, hoping it said what he didn’t have the words to say. 

“And I don’t care who you wanna date,” Isabel added, “I just want you to be careful and honest with who you date, okay? And I know that I didn’t handle the whole Mia thing well either--

“Me, too, Victor,” Pilar added, “you hurting Mia is one thing; being gay and facing the world is something else and I’m sorry I didn’t think about that before,” she concluded wrapping her arms around her brother. 

Adrian followed suit, inspiring Isabel to wrap her arms around all her children. “Aye, mis bebes,” Isabel said showering kisses on each their heads, “I love you so so much!” 

“Mom!” Victor and Pilar whined.

“See?” Isabel said as they parted ways, “that’s why Adrian’s my favorite! He never gets tired of my kisses.”

Adrian giggles as his mother continues to kiss him until Pilar interjects and says, “not  _ yet.  _ Wait till he turns, what--

“Twelve,” Victor said, “that’s how old you were right?”

“Yeah,” Pilar said, “but you were thirteen.” 

Despite the weight of the day before, their joking fell into traditional rhythm and, as much as Victor knew he was going to write Simon about how the past twenty-four hours had gone. He wanted to enjoy these moments of, well, he wanted to enjoy that his family didn’t see him any different, like his worst fears told him, for a little while, especially knowing how much change lie ahead of them. 

Armando returned after the kids and Isabel ate dinner, sitting down to watch soccer with his boys and Felix, while Isabel and Adrian worked on some of his homework before he went off to bed. Once the game was done, Victor pulled out his homework to do it in the dining room, sitting next to his father look for apartments nearby. “I’m going to try to stay as close as possible,” Armando told his two eldest. 

“I know,” PIlar said looking up from her instagram feed.

“I’m still here for both of you,” Armando said grabbings his kids’ hands, “no matter what,” adding “I hope you know that,” while holding onto Victor’s gaze. 

“I was already here for that conversation,” Pilar begins to say getting up, “so I’m gonna leave you two to it.” 

Victor watches his sister leave while his father steadies his grip on his hand. He turns to his father, reluctant to meet his eyes, because he’s not sure he’s ready for what he’s about to say. “I’ve been thinking a lot today,” Armando begins, “about how not standing up to my dad like you did may have led you to believe that--

“It’s okay, Papi,” Victor says, keeping his eyes low.. 

“It’s not,” Armando says clearing his throat, “I need you to hear this.”

Victor takes a deep breath, nods, whispering, “Okay.”

“My father was all about el macho and,” Armando began to say, “I didn’t agree but I never said anything. That date with your mom, that was the first time I let myself cry about something sad in front of a woman that wasn’t my mom....it was the first time I cried as a teenager. Becoming a dad gave me other chances to weep, like when each of you were born, like when my own abuelos died--and I never cried in front of my father. Your mom let me cry in front of her…”

“Dad,” Victor breathed, struggling with the way his dad was opening up like that. 

“It’s important to be with someone who lets you feel whatever you need to feel and I know I could have done better about letting you know that. About letting you know that for all the flojitos I suspected and for all the...all the gay friends you may have had, what doesn’t matter about their houses doesn’t matter because it’s not my business. What  _ is  _ my business is to encourage you to be happy as you are and with who you want to be and how you want to live your life if you are doing God’s will in this world--

“I know that--

“Please, Victor,” Armando interrupts, “this is hard for me to say because being true to who you are, there’s God in that and the worries I had about Adrian with the wand and--I wasn’t worried because I would love him any less; I was worried because I thought he would have a struggle I wouldn’t know how to teach him and learning you, who no one suspected, has that battle is a lesson I didn’t expect. And I hope I didn’t push you or keep you from being who you needed to be because I didn’t speak up sooner because I was so focused on--

“You didn’t, Pa,” Victor said with tears in his eyes, “the ‘flojito’ comments, yeah they bothered me, pero like, I  _ like  _ basketball and soccer and I even know there are openly gay NBA players, a friend of mine, Bram, was telling me--I met him through friends at Creekwood, he was a gay athlete when he was here. His boyfriend, SImon, who also went to Creekwood--the teachers told me about him and they’ve been helpful. I know this is new for you, too, and--

“It doesn’t change how much I love you and how I want the best for you--

“Pa--

Armando reached across the table and hugged him, Armando’s tears landing on Victor’s shirt. Sniffling, Armando adds, “we gotta talk about how you’re gonna clean up your mess with Mia, but I love you, I love you no matter what.”

Victor sniffled in response, “I feel like I lost my best friend because I was such a coward.”

Armando pulls back, “As your father, I wanna tell you that she’d be stupid not to forgive you. As a man, I have to tell you that she’s in her right not to forgive you. She trusted you with her heart and you didn’t and that,” Armando said, leaning back in his chair, “that’s what you have to speak to whenever you are ready and whenever she’s ready to listen.”

“What if she’s never ready?” Victor asked. 

“It’s been a day,” Armando said leaning back in, “you gotta give her time, and apologize a lot. And, when you apologize,” he continued, “make sure it’s about her feelings you’re sorry for hurting and not yours.”

“How do I do that?” Victor asked. 

They spent the night, talking about how to take responsibility for hurting others and how to tell someone you never meant to hurt them. Armando, in giving his son advice was thinking through the ways he hadn’t seen Isabel until she got close to Roger. In a way, talking to Victor about how to respect Mia’s hurt helped him see the work he would need to do to begin rebuilding his relationship with Isabel. 

On listening to his father speak, Victor was coming to terms with how both he and Mia were hurt about his own actions. Mia, at various times, offered him an opportunity to be honest with her. And Victor’s insistence on not being honest with himself made him a liar and a cheat and the person he cheated the most was himself. In denying his truth for as long as he had, he had set himself up to be at the mercy of people he was using to live a lie. As much as he didn’t want to use them, as much as he wanted to good by them, he was also not being authentic with one of the most important people in his life at Creekwood, and he didn’t know if he’d ever be worthy of regaining her friendship, especially in light of the shared sense of loneliness they both felt. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Venji fluff is coming as is a conversation with Mia. I'll keep playing with multiple perspectives. 
> 
> Kudos, comments, and questions are always welcome!


	8. Victor's (not yet sent) letter to Mia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I loved how safe I felt kissing you and playing games with you and I loved how you trusted me and how I could trust you with anything. I wanted my love for you to be bigger than anything I was fearing and everything I felt would give me a harder time than I was having." 
> 
> or 
> 
> In the midst of being honest with his family, doing his homework and working, Victor attempts to put into words how real it was with Mia and the mistake he made in hurting her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Betas are a dream I hope to one day come true, till then, excuse typos and misspellings.

How do I tell you I love you and not in the way that you deserve? How do I tell you what your open heart and honest stories gave to me when I know, in lying to myself, I was lying to the Creekwood person I loved the most since moving here? Telling you I love you isn’t enough because I kept my biggest secret from you. I loved how safe I felt kissing you and playing games with you and I loved how you trusted me and how I could trust you with anything. I wanted my love for you to be bigger than anything I was fearing and everything I felt would give me a harder time than I was having. 

To say I was selfish isn’t enough. To say I was a coward isn’t enough. Telling you that you are my favorite person ignores that I loved you and that you depended on me to be honest with you about everything I was and everything I felt. It’s not enough to ask you to forgive me for being an asshole because, as someone whose mom cheated on my dad, I should have known better than to do or say anything before I told you, the person who had trusted me the most since I had gotten here. 

My sister hates me for what I did to you. She’s right to, even as she tries to come to terms with this new aspect of who I am and what it means to the world and family we left behind and the family we still have. I am telling you she hates me because I should have been better to the person who saw my sister for who she was and where she was before I could. It’s one of the things I love about you. 

I wanted, more than anything that night, to give you a night away from feeling as alone and out of place as you felt in your home. And I failed you. I regret not being strong enough or brave enough to trust my honesty was all you ever wanted. All you deserved. 

And I am sorry I don’t love you the way you deserve. The way I so desperately tried. But it was real. All that we had, all that I wanted to have with you was real. And as real as I wanted it to be is as real as the heartbreak and betrayal you must be feeling, on everything else going on in your life. And it’s not fair. It’s not fair there’s another person who kept such a big secret from you. I never wanted to be that person because you deserved--you deserve so much more than that. Saying I’m sorry is not enough. It will never be enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a tricky thing, to think about how in trying to be who the world expects us to be, gay people have to apologize to the people who they lied to and yet, when in trying to be that person we hurt someone, we lie to them, how do we make sense of that wrong in light of the ways that the world tells us that, for being gay, we're wrong? 
> 
> Thanks as always for reading. Kudos, comments and questions always welcome.


	9. Sunday night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor was nervous about what he admitted to because even though Benji was patient with him during his birthday, at work and, with everything else, he still wasn’t sure how he was going to juggle it all.  
> Benji didn’t know how to respond to that. He had strained relationships with his parents because of the effects of his drinking, one of the reasons he started working at Brasstown. People at school knew he was gay and who he hung out with definitely changed. Some of the change came because he stopped drinking, some of the change was because he was gay. He knew that he couldn’t always tell which one was which.
> 
> **  
> or Victor and Benji talk about how out at school to be considering all of Victor's fears and Benji's past experiences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading, the comments and the kudos are giving me life!

Armando felt out of place on Sunday, spending divided time with his kids, in between sending applications to apartments in the region. He needed something small, so he could help Isabel until she got a better job or most consistent clients. He reviewed the letter Victor wrote for Mia, encouraging him to wait. He spent the afternoon with Adrian in the park and, before she went to bed, talked to Mia about how he was always going to be there for her. 

He slept on the couch again, hoping he’d find a studio or a one bedroom soon enough. He missed Isabel, but he knew he needed to give her space and himself time to heal from what they couldn’t escape on leaving Texas. 

***

_Dear Simon,_

_I know school tomorrow (Monday) is going to be weird. I dunno if I wanna sit with Benji because as glad as I am he feels the same way about me, all I remember is the first day of school--where they mocking me for the attention he was giving me. With all that’s going on at home, between my parents, I dunno what else I can handle. And with Felix and Lake together and with the way I left things with Mia, I’m not sure where to sit for lunch. I’ll miss texting her during class. I’m worried about her with everything going on in her life, you know?_

_Dear Victor,_

_Knowing my childhood friend had a crush on a new girl, I still told him my other childhood friend had feelings for him. It took them some time, but they forgave me--not because I did what was right, more because they could see, because of the mocking and my admission, how hard it was for me. Hurting people along the way is never easy._

_Have you talked to Benji about it? He’s been out for more than a year, right? As you embark on this journey together, talk to him about what feels right for you. That’s how Bram and me did it--at first, we wrote each other anonymously after his post on_ CreekSecrets. _We bonded over not wanting to be out just yet because we knew what we were risking. Even now, years later, we have extensive conversations about entering into new environments, venturing to new sites or meeting more straight people. Coming out is an everyday thing. And, like me, you’re lucky, you have someone who’s encouraging you to be who you are. I’m so happy for you._

_Love,_

_Simon_

After Simon’s response, Victor sent a text to Benji. 

_Victor: You awake?_

_Benji: Hey, sweetie, yeah :)_

_Victor: Now that I have “telling my parents” behind me...there’s so much I have to tell you about that...I dunno what I wanna do at school tomorrow. I WANT to be with you. That’s not it...Between the tension with Mia and Pilar being PIlar, I dunno how to, you know, spend time with you at school. How do you manage it?_

_Benji: Yeah, when Derek was at Creekwood, we didn’t have the chance to eat together. Especially because he could eat off campus. So…_

Benji thought about it a while before adding, _Yeah because you’re new to Creekwood and coming out pretty much affected the first friends you made here, huh?_

Victor took a deep breath before typing: _Yeah, is that weird? I can’t wait to see you and I’m so nervous about...everything. I’m really worried about my sister and my parents and Mia, but that doesn’t come close to how excited I feel about you and I feel bad like I should care more…_

Benji smiled on his end, he could picture gay disaster Victor typing without a filter, his nervous face as his fingers moved across the keyboard. He didn’t care about what other people thought like Victor did but he knew how bad it had gotten for him and, having been out for over a year, he’d gotten used to ignoring people and sticking to spending time with people who didn’t care. Benji then typed: :-* _I can see that. And you’re on the basketball team so that’s another layer of...ignorance. Can I call you? I feel like we’ve moved to talking on the phone._

_Victor: Sure._

Benji dialed and within half a ring Victor was picking up the phone. “Hey,” Benji said, “I know at your birthday you were talking about your family having a hard time, but you haven’t really told me about it.” 

“Umm,” Victor tried to put the words together, “my parents are separating? My mom cheated on my dad with his boss’s boss, he got fired and that’s why we moved here--I only learned that like right before my birthday and it really shook us. My grandparents already don’t like my mom and I literally threw a birthday party to keep my mom and sister from fighting, which is why it took me so long to tell my family that I didn’t care about you being gay…”

Benji let Victor’s words sink in, “I wish I could hold your hand right now, because that’s a lot. You were struggling with being out and trying to keep your family together?” He thought out loud, “I mean no one should hide who they are but now I have a better idea about why, you know, you didn’t want us to at your party.”

“I was really embarrassed,” Victor said, “I should have told you sooner but I was trying to make too many people happy.”

“I mean,” Benji said, “that whole speech you gave was pretty amazing because it was their problem and you did that whole standing up to your family thing.”

Victor chuckled, “I was so angry because there I was trying to keep everything together and I just--it wasn’t fair, you know, to have been ashamed and to project that on to you two. I dunno how I’m going to talk to my grandfather now but thankfully he’s not in town so I won’t have to worry about that for a while.”

They took a beat. Victor was nervous about what he admitted to because even though Benji was patient with him during his birthday, at work and, with everything else, he still wasn’t sure how he was going to juggle it all. 

Benji didn’t know how to respond to that. He had strained relationships with his parents because of the effects of his drinking, one of the reasons he started working at Brasstown. People at school knew he was gay and who he hung out with definitely changed. Some of the change came because he stopped drinking, some of the change was because he was gay. He knew that he couldn’t always tell which one was which.

“You’re really close to your family, huh,” Benji thought out loud, “not just your parents or--

“Yeah,” Victor said,”my grandparents practically helped raise us, and we lived real close before we moved. How about you?”

“Umm, not as much,” Benji answered, “probably because they never had to leave their home country seeking better opportunity,” then he added, “and I’ve pretty much reinvented myself after I came out and stopped drinking. I can’t tell who I lost or walked away from because of which, which is why I told you at your birthday that being out is still hard. Just because everyone knows and I’m okay with it doesn’t mean people aren’t stupid about it…” 

“Oh,” was all Victor could say in response. 

“I’m sorry I’m being such a downer right now,” Benji said, “Derek dropped off some of my stuff and it reminded me of how getting with him instantly gave me a group of friends that..I dunno. But then I’ll be able to enjoy more high school things with you and not feel guilty about it,” Benji considered, “I just, I dunno, I don’t wanna hide and I don’t wanna push you to do anything you’re not comfortable with either--

“Thanks,” Victor said, “I don’t want feeling like I have to take care of everyone to get in the way of what I want with you. You deserve more than that--

“ _You_ deserve more than than, Vic, Benji interrupted, “I know a lot of people count on you and i want you to know i’m here for you, too, we’ll take this one day at a time, just....”

“Just what?” Victor asked. 

“I just need you to be honest with me,” Benji said, “even if it’s hard. I’m glad you were ready to speak your truth and I wanted that for you, not as a condition of being with you and,” Benji paused to take a deep breath, “I remember how overwhelming it was, figuring out who to tell, when to tell them and it’s not going to be easy, but, like I said the other day, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Benji,” Victor breathed, “I just..you’re amazing,” adding with a whisper, “I wish I could kiss you right now.”

“Me, too,” Benji breathed, “me, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you think? With the details we've been given, I wanna give Benji a little more depth. I also am thinking about how to tackle a history of teen drinking that he feels bad for because of harm, not something that's 'alcohol is bad.' 
> 
> As always, kudos, comments, questions are welcome. Thanks so much for stopping by!!! XOXO


	10. Cute boys are distracting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor gives Simon an update on the first week and the difficulties of dating without cars. 
> 
> ***
> 
> “When I met you,” he says, “I thought that you were, especially since during your interview for Brasstown, there was a moment over the steamer...and then here you are, looking at me like every minute is a moment.”
> 
> “I was so nervous,” Victor admitted, “my first day at Creekwood, as you were walking down the hall and drinking from the water fountain, I was soo done.”
> 
> “Yeah?”
> 
> Victor nodded, reached over to Benji’s hair, “And every time you adjust your hair,” he said taking out a lock, “I wanna you to tell you stop and just,” he continued smoothing his hand down Benji’s face, “let it be a little messy.”
> 
> Benji kisses Victor’s open palm and then asks, still holding his hand. “What are you working on?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted them to revisit moments their feels for each other were obvious and have them talk about it. Thank you for reading and enjoy :)
> 
> Thanks for @les1312 for catching an error in the beginning of this chapter, NO idea how I missed that.

_ Dear Simon,  _

__ _ As you can imagine, dating in high school when neither of you have a car can be tricky. Benji is working on seeing if he can get transferred back to the original location, in part so we can have more time together, and we’re dividing our lunch time between friends, Pilar, and each other. Mia is at least looking at me, but turns every time I try to talk to her. I’ve read and reread that letter I wrote to her so much I have it memorized. I miss my best friend here, especially since my other best friend is dating her best friend.  _

__ _ It’s weird.  _

__ _ The brief time I spent with Benji is PERFECT. I talk to him about my fears and he tells me what he went through while asking me how I’m feeling. Kissing him is so much more, he doesn’t have the gloss that I like, but I never get tired of his lips. Or his hands. Or his eyes. Or his smile, the smiles he saves just for me. I feel so much more than butterflies.  _

_ Love,  _

_ V  _

_ ** _

_ Dear Victor,  _

_ Sorry to hear about Mia. While that awkward waiting time to begin to make amends is hard, at least you controlled your narrative. I didn’t get to choose that. Some guy from theater took it upon himself to share my truth with others. He outed me because he thought it was a good idea to do that after blackmailing me to help him get with my friend Abby didn’t help him get closer to Abby. In other words, high school is weird and all our emotions run high. What’s important is to be a good friend.  _

_ When it comes to Mia, there’s no rushing this. It’s going to be awkward.  _

_ Now, on to the happy stuff from your message. I transferred schools because I  _ hated  _ long distance with Bram, so I totally get wanting to spend as much time together as possible. Bram tells me I’m a hopeless romantic and that it was a good thing we never worked together...because we’d never get any work done. Let me know how that goes, I’m pretty sure you have strong resolve and a good work ethic. ;) ;)  _

_ It’s been an honor to see you through to living out your truth. It’s not easy and just know, you’re not alone.  _

__

_ Love,  _

__

_ Simon  _

***

With no basketball practice or game, Victor decided to stay at Brasstown after his shift ended, giving Benji an opportunity to see him. Benji walked in with his sexy swagger step, eyes lit up on catching the way Victor couldn’t help worshiping the way he walked. Victor’s eyes followed Benji’s fingers run through his hair, envying both his fingers and his hair. “Hey, sweetie,” Benji said bending down to kiss him. 

Victor smiled into the kiss, leaning in for more as Benji sat down. 

“You’re adorable,” Benji snickered. 

“I never tire of kissing you,” Victor admitted. 

Benji’s face warmed and his cheeks went pink. 

“ _You’re_ adorable,” Victor said returning to his book. 

“It still feels unreal sometimes,” Benji says pulling out a notebook.

“What?”

“When I met you,” he says, “I thought that you were, especially since during your interview for Brasstown, there was a moment over the steamer...and then here you are, looking at me like every minute is a moment.”

“I was so nervous,” Victor admitted, “my first day at Creekwood, as you were walking down the hall and drinking from the water fountain, I was soo done.”

“Yeah?”

Victor nodded, reached over to Benji’s hair, “And every time you adjust your hair,” he said taking out a lock, “I wanna you to tell you stop and just,” he continued smoothing his hand down Benji’s face, “let it be a little messy.”

Benji kisses Victor’s open palm and then asks, still holding his hand. “What are you working on?”

“Prepping for a test this week and homework I didn’t start yesterday,” Victor answered, “how about you?”

“Some of the same,” Benji said releasing Victor's hand, “and learning to do homework with you and not be distracted.”

“Let’s see how that goes.” 

They work side by side, playing footsie for a little, till they settle their feet next to each other. Benji learns more of Victor’s facial expressions--he takes in his super concentrated face, and his note taking face. Then Victor looks up from his book and out the window, which, after his “Ah,” Benji deduces is Victor’s struggling with an idea face. When Victor catches him studying him, he ducks his head, and smiles. 

“Distracted?” Victor asks.

“Eh,” Benji says his green, “just a little.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Venji being lovey dovey is going to be so great to see onscreen and here I am, just imagining things I want to see till that happens. Thank you for reading, the comments give me life. Kudos, comments, always welcome.


	11. Victor, You broke my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Mia couldn't avoid each other forever. 
> 
> “I want you to know why I’m angry,” she said after a deep breath. 
> 
> Victor started to say, “It’s because—
> 
> Crossing her arms, she interjected, “You lied to me; you claimed to care about me and you lied to me—“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Thanks for coming back :)   
> Victor and Mia were due for a run in where they couldn't escape each other, where they didn't really want to.

After a couple weeks of evading each other’s eyes in class, in the hallway and around school ground, growing accustomed to a new set of selfies with friends and Benji, the weight of Mia’s absence was keeping Victor from focusing on where he was walking through the halls at school, eyes to the ground between classes. 

Felix brought it to his attention, like any good bro would. Victor shrugged it off until the transitions between classes before and after the ones he had with her. He didn’t want to look her in the eye and find the hate or indifference she was right to feel. 

At home, his mother reminded him of the weight of betraying yourself and another, whether 17 weeks or 17 years, it forces you to question Yourself.

He understood, bitterly, how similar he was to his mom. She had stifled a part of herself for her family and needed to find herself again—he’d done the same in less time and yet, there they were, distanced from the people they loved on the journey to self discovery.

So, days before spring break, when he walked into Brasstown, to pick up something he left in his locker, he froze on seeing Mia and Lake lingering by the door. He didn’t have a car to hide in and by the time he thought he should go back round the corner, she spotted him and held his gaze. The memories of late night conversations, their laughter all came flooding over him, he couldn’t keep his eyes from getting glassy. She was one of his two favorite people that, on arriving at Creekwood he’d hope would stay in his life forever.

Mia stood up from her outside table, where she was sitting across from Lake and said, “Hey.”

“Hi,” he responded, grabbing his book bag straps.

“Wait!” she called out.

He turned to find her with a conflicted face.

“I want you to know why I’m angry,” she said after a deep breath. 

Victor started to say, “It’s because—

Crossing her arms, she interjected, “You lied to me; you claimed to care about me and you lied to me—“

“You deserve more than that,” he said, adjusting his book bag.

“You’re right,” she says with a sniffle, clearing her throat, she added, “I gave you so many—you had so many times to tell me and you didn’t—

“It wasn’t you,” he said, voice choking, “I was—

“The basketball and team and people in general suck—but not me—

“Never you,” he said, “you’re perfect. I miss—.”

“You don’t—you don’t—that’s not fair.”

“I know what I lost, Mia,” he admits.

She looks down infuriated. His sad face still melts her heart. He’s still the boy whose words of encouragement and tenderness inspired her to love and she’s angry. She’s angry that she didn’t let herself see what was, now that she knows, was so obvious. “You broke my heart, Victor!” She hissed, unable to control her tears.

“I broke both of ours,” he responds, the choke still in his face, “I loved you—I loved us so much and I fucked it up; I lost my best friend...”

She clenched her teeth as her tears kept falling. She didn’t want to forgive him. She didn’t want to give him another chance to hurt her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm looking at tumblr prompts and reading tumblr writers to see what I like and how I wanna be different.


	12. Victor talks to Simon about Mia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear Simon,   
>  Mia said I broke her heart. She’s not wrong. Am I a horrible person? This is so hard for me right now. While I still have Felix and you, I’ve lost such an important person to me. My mom says to give her time. My dad agrees.   
>  It’s hard to talk about with Benji--not because he’s not supportive, but because the love I feel for her is as important as what I feel for him. Does this confusion ever get better? 
> 
> Love, Victor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @7ate9's fic feat homophobic attacks inspired me to think about how to talk about the internet- and phone-based resources out there for LGBT youth. Links in the note below

_ Dear Simon,  _

__ _ Mia said I broke her heart. She’s not wrong. Am I a horrible person? This is so hard for me right now. While I still have Felix and you, I’ve lost such an important person to me. My mom says to give her time. My dad agrees.  _

__ _ It’s hard to talk about with Benji--not because he’s not supportive, but because the love I feel for her is as important as what I feel for him. Does this confusion ever get better? I know no one kicked me out and that my parents are trying, but I'm still...I still feel alone.   
_

_ Love, Victor  _

  
  


_ Dear Victor,  _

__ _ This is not an easy wound to heal. You’ve done everything you can and coming to terms with how healing yourself from the pain of being in the closet unintentionally causes harm to others is not easy.  _

__ _ You’ve gone through a lot of changes in a short period of time. Loving yourself and your truth is the most important one. Letting others love you the way you are is the other. I hope you find the people you need to talk to here, help them sort out your feelings. I’m here as a friend, but if you need more, there’s the Trevor Project. Miss Albright was really great about finding local counselors for me. She may help you find some closer to home because you don’t have a car.  _

__ _ If you want my mom’s information, let me know. Your choice if you tell her you know me or not. She takes her work and the work of supporting kids (like me) very seriously. If you want to start with a phone call, there’s the Trevor Project. I’ve heard the It Gets Better Project stories help other people.  _

__ _ Anywhere you start is a good place to start as long as you don’t punish yourself for struggling with finding a space without judgment or pressure so you can be the person you need to be for yourself. That’s key to helping figure out what you want or need from others.  _

__ _ You’re not alone in this Victor, I’m a message away. If you need more than that, and there’s anyway I can help direct you to that, do let me know.  _

  
  


_ In solidarity.  _

_ Love, Simon  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whether family and friends are accepting or not, coming out and being out is still hard. LGBT friendly therapists worked for me and, during this time of quarantine, they may be that much harder to find esp given the varied states of LGBT orgs being quarantined.
> 
> here are links to a small group of US national resources. PLEASE post others if you have them or know them. In watching LV, I hope LGBT kids find hope. I also hope the people reading this find the support and affirmation they need wherever positive, nurturing healing spaces they can get it from . 
> 
> Trevor Project 24/7 hotline https://www.thetrevorproject.org 1-866-488-7386; there are text and chat options too 
> 
> Here's a list of resources, on top of the Trevor Project, that the It Gets Better campaign put together. Numbers are also listed on the site.   
> https://itgetsbetter.org/get-help/
> 
> If writing or reading is not enough, there are modes of support and affirmation.


	13. Moral inventory continued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor nodded, “It sucks,” Victor said, “I was talking about it with Doctor Ricky and he asked me what life would look like if I just stopped trying to fix other people. If I let people figure it out; go to God on their own time,” Victor said, playing with the bottom of his t-shirt. “God’s always there, we just gotta be willing to receive him, right?””

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mention of God serves Victor to meet his mom where she is...in reference to when I mention 'God.' Hopefully not too preachy :/
> 
> AA = alcoholics anonymous; 12 steps to recovery

_ Dear Simon,  _

__ _ Please send me your mom’s number. I think that’d be a good place to start.  _

_ Love, Victor  _

After the awkward run in with Mia, Victor felt lighter despite the lingering sadness. While Misses Spier didn’t have availability, she did recommend a colleague of hers who Victor started seeing on Saturday mornings. Benji was supportive of the idea, especially because of the support his AA group had provided him after his car accident. 

It wasn’t so much about losing Mia and breaking her heart, it was really about the shame of being honest about what he needed to be for himself. He was always the fixer. The good kid who never acted up or acted out--and he had managed to keep a lot bottled up in the process. “I’m proud of you, you know,” Isabel told him as she picked him up after his fourth session with Dr. Ricky. 

“Thanks,” he said, “I want you to know that I just see this as getting some extra support--

“I know,” Isabel said with a smile as she drove out of the parking lot, “I talk to Father John, during confession--and I know that, even though he thinks it’s okay, it might be hard for you to feel like God is listening to you right now.’

Victor nodded, took a deep breath, “I’m just glad basketball season is over, I was doing so much between practice and work and--

“You were,” Isabel said as she drove, “I think you’ll finally get a little bit of a break, maybe sleep better.” 

“Yeah” Victor said. 

“Your father and your sister don’t believe in talking to anyone about their feelings,” Isabel sighed, “and God I wish they did. I know they’re hurting with all these changes.”

Victor nodded, “It sucks,” Victor said, “I was talking about it with Doctor Ricky and he asked me what life would look like if I just stopped trying to fix other people. If I let people figure it out; go seek help on their own time, like God," Victor said, "it's always going to be there, right?"  


“Right, m’ijo,” she said, as they pulled in front of Brasstown. 

“Benji wants me to meet him at the music store after work,” Victor said, “Is that okay?”

“Of course,” she said.

“Bendicion, Ma,” Victor said as he hugged his mother. “I love you.”

“Que Dios te bendiga,” she said as he walked out the car. 

***

On walking from Brasstown, he headed towards the music store, where Benji was getting strings to tune up his guitar. Victor watched him at the register, eyes lit up as he gave a card to the cashier, wearing a tight t-shirt, guitar hanging on his back, and jeans hugging his legs perfectly, hair newly trimmed, his smile dazzling everything around him. When Benji caught him staring, sliding his bag off the counter, his smile grew wider and his steps grew faster. “Hey,” he said, leaning forward to kiss Victor.

“You’re beautiful,” Victor said as their lips parted, his hand smoothing against Benji’s perfectly soft skin. 

Benji dipped his head and said, “C’mon,” grabbing Victor’s hand, he continued, “I wanna show you something.”

Victor followed Benji, who was dragging him by the hand past a series of shops to the local park. The park wasn’t small, yet it was framed by single family homes in the back--not Creekwood rich but not like Victor’s neighborhood. 

Victor took in the sounds of kids’ laughter as they walked through the playground past the open fields. 

“Where are we going?” Victor asked as they neared a parking lot. 

“Well,” Benji said as he slowed his pace, “my mom lent me her car.”

“Your license is no longer--

“I was able to pay off the suspension fee and,” Benji said letting go of Victor’s hand to open the car, “my mom lent me her car this afternoon.”

“That’s so cool!” Victor said, watching Benji open the passenger door. As Benji handed him things, Victor remembered Willacoochie and the lie he told in an effort to spend time with Benji. That he never told Benji the truth affected him--and taking the gesture of Benji’s kindness, he felt he needed to tell him. 

“Benji,” Victor said, “this looks amazing and I feel like I don’t deserve it.”

“Victor,” Benji said in a questioning tone, his eyebrows furrowed, “why wouldn’t you deserve it?”

“Because I’ve been keeping something from you about,” Victor cleared his throat, shuffled his feet on the ground, “About Willacoochie.”

Benji blinked, confused. 

“The machine was done when we were done at the thrift store and,” Victor continued, meeting Benji’s unreadable face, “and I lied so I could spend time with you.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” Benji said, clearing his throat. 

“Because I don’t want to keep anything from you,” Victor said, “I was a coward and I really hurt you and Mia that night and I know what I did was wrong, no matter what happened between us after or since…”

Benji sighed, walking towards the park’s field, contemplating how to respond. He’s not surprised that the machine was fixed, but he doesn’t want to minimize the weight of the lie or how long Victor had been carrying it. “Thank you for your honesty,” Benji began to say. “I don’t know if I’d have forgiven you if you’d told me then, because I would have felt used.”

“And it wasn’t about that,” Victor said, “I had feelings for you since the first day of school and working with you helped it evolve into more than just the first cute boy crush,” Victor defended, “you’ve been so important to me, Benji and--

“Step four of alcohol recovery is doing a moral inventory,” Benji explained, “and you telling me is part of your moral inventory. And Step five is admitting to those wrongs, which is what you are doing--”

“Yeah,” Victor said shoving his hands deeper in his pockets, “I know I did wrong and I am working on being honest with myself,” he said taking in a deep breath, “and others when I’ve done wrong. And setting you up like that was wrong, I didn’t--I wasn’t honest with you or what I wanted from you either.”

“Well,” Benji said, unraveling the blanket and sitting on it, “I haven’t been honest with you either.”

Victor stood there, looking over Benji, waiting for an invitation. 

Benji looked up at Victor, patted the spot next to him, folded his legs to give Victor room to sit. When he did, similarly cross-legged, head bowed in embarrassment, Benji continued, all the while picking at his cuticles, “I suspected as much when I looked at the handyman’s notes. Part of the struggle of our machine is that the pipe gets clogged and,” Benji said, setting a hand on Victor’s leg, “I never asked you about why you kept me longer and, as your assistant manager, I should have taken more responsibility--not that what I’m saying excuses your behavior. More that,” Benji said, taking in another deep breath, “part of me didn’t want to question it because of what that would mean I’d have to admit to myself.”

“And what was that?” Victor asked, meeting Benji’s soft, tender eyes.

“That part of the reason I didn’t question it was because I  _ wanted  _ to be with you that day, too,” Benji said. “You pleaded with me about your commitment to Mia and instead of respecting it as your supervisor, I...I insisted--

“But you didn’t want to go to Ann Taylor Loft--

“It was easier for me to ask you, someone who reports to me to cater to me than it was for me to ask my boss to respect my time,” Benji said, “I’ve been thinking about it and I haven’t done a good job of taking responsibility because, after you said what you said about me after the Spring Fling, it’s like all those little lies I told myself were justified.”

‘I can see that,” Victor said, “I know I’ll probably talk to Ricky about this conversation next week.”

“And that’s good,” Benji said smiling at Victor, “that we can admit the lies we tell ourselves and each other.” 

_ God I love you, Benji,  _ Victor thought in that moment, but he feared it was too soon. “I’m so sorry, Benji,“ Victor said, “can you forgive me?” 

Benji nodded, “Can you?”

Victor leaned towards Benji, put his lips over his boyfriend’s before saying, “Of course,” leaning his forehead on Benji’s. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was reading @ThatOneGaySlytherin's 7th chapter of "Good Things Fall Apart," and thought, why haven't I addressed the lie(s) that emerged in Willacoochie. I then looked up 12 steps because if Benji got his license suspended because he was drunk I'd assume he'd be required to go and ran with it.   
> It was a really great exercise and helped me move the chapter along. 
> 
> Depending on where you are (geographically, economically) therapy can be tricky. I've had a mix of good and bad therapists myself. Grateful for the lesbian, gay and other people who recommended me the good ones. Whatever works for you, works for you. ;) 
> 
> Kudos, comments and bookmarks give me life!


	14. Awkward run in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can Benji and Mia survive an awkward run in?

Benji lingers in the art studio after school while Victor attends one of his last basketball team meetings, working on his spring portfolio, revisiting attempts at still life his art teacher asked him to improve on. His love for visual arts, studies of faces in the everyday, consume him in a way that steadied some of the fears of finally being out. Even before he was out, drawing was his way of escape. Since being out, he’s dabbled in music, though sticking to drawing in the everyday, because it provided a steady solitary refuge. 

As he was reviewing his pieces, taking note of the features, angles and lighting which needed more work, Mia walks in to work on another piece regarding shadows and taking up space. In the weeks since the Spring Fling and her run in with Victor,, they’d done a good job of not being in any one place for a long period of time. He looks up from his collection of drawings and offers a small smile. She responds with a small smile of her own.. 

Mia arrived at the studio and, despite catching Benji at one of the drawing desks.  _ I can do this,  _ she thinks to herself. Benji didn’t break her heart, Victor did. Despite her success in avoiding the boys since their kiss in the quad, she decides to work on her sculpture. She was grateful that Andrew was sticking to being an available friend without being an asshole. Lake divides her time between being a good friend, an attentive girlfriend, and avoids difficult topics. Lake’s revelation at the Spring Fling tamed her hunger for drama. Mia was so grateful. 

Upper level art students were supposed to be gathering material for their portfolio. Mia was focusing on building pieces that took up space. Given what she’s had to come to terms with since the Spring Fling, she’s been trying to apply the lessons in her own life. “What is the question bringing your work together?” She asks Benji, needing to talk out some of the concerns she had with her own piece and the pieces she was working on at home. 

“Umm,” Benji says looking up, “I’ve been working on shadows and,” he gulps, “what the darkness tells the viewer? Not just the shadows between humans and objects, but objects themselves. I was focusing on light before and...and I realized I wasn’t paying enough to contrasts and--

“Cool,” Mia interjects, “I’ve been working on shadows too but more specifically on how they take up space.”

Benji hasto stop himself from letting her known Victor told him. 

“That’s pretty sweet,” Benji says, “I love what the angles of the piece you’ve been melding are doing. The shadow tells a different story than the sculpture itself.”

They spend the afternoon exchanging notes on pieces and divulging their own insights on light, space, and shadow. Dancing around the wound between them, the shift in their lives that brought them together and then apart as though it doesn’t matter. And it doesn’t. Mia and Benji have things in common besides Victor. Over the course of their conversation, Benji learns they are both artists interested in how images and objects take up space, and spark thought. Benji walks around her pieces and takes in how studying other artists beyond what they discuss in class help provide insight into what she wanted her objects to convey. She was smart, insightful, and with a critical lens for emotionally vulnerable pieces. 

Mia’s delighted to engage with another person who wants to know about her process. Her sculpture classmates rarely talk in group, working primarily isolation. Her artistic journey has been a solitary one. Lake and Andrew don’t really take an interest in her work. Taking a look at the portfolio he was putting together, she has to admit he was really good with still life form, a tenderness in his strokes. 

As she was getting ready to ask him about what he was going to be focusing on for his final, Andrew knocked on the door. “Hey,” he says from the doorway.

“Oh,” she says, unable to keep her eyes from lighting up, “hey.”

“I was hoping you’d still be here,” Andrew told her holding her gaze. 

“Yeah,” she says, releasing the deep breath she was taking, “I was just nerding out with Benji about...process.”

“Oh,” Andrew says, “hey, what’s up?”

Benji gave him a head nod with a subtle smile, before returning to his work. He didn’t want to be presumptuous. 

“Ready to go?” Andrew asked. 

Mia nodded. Before she walked out of the studio, she turned her head and says, “Later, Benji.”

“Later,” he says, unable to hide the relief in his voice.  _ I survived the awkward run in _ , he thought to himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for passing through and for always reading!! I didn't meant to add a couple more chapters but this fan fic has run away with me.


	15. The Mia sized hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor's thoughts about time passing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I"ve given more time to my other fics, but here's some Victor whump.

With the end of the school year upon them, Victor can’t help but assess how far he’s come. He and Benji told each other they love each other. Felix is a good bro who is somehow still managing to make it work with Lake. Benji somehow managed to have a friendship with Mia like the one that Victor desperately wanted. Well, they bonded as artists and he can’t really get in the way of that. 

Benji’s considerate about the way he talks about Mia. They’re part of the end of the year art showcase and have been spending a great deal of time hanging out together. If Benji’s not at work, he’s in the studio. And when he’s in the studio, he tends to spend time with Mia. And, when he’s talked about his time there with Victor, he talks about her work. And Victor doesn’t stop him. He doesn’t stop him because he wants to know how Mia’s doing and he knows her well enough to know how to read between the lines. And as much as he doesn’t stop him, he fights every urge to learn more. 

From the way Benji describes Mia’s work, the extent of her portfolio that she’s let him see, Victor can glean that she’s been working through her sense of change and new beginnings. He’s relieved that her art can give her that much. He knows the potential of creating in being a release given how much of Benji’s drawings he’s seen as well as the ones in which Benji needed him as a model. 

It’s a strange feeling for Victor, to be in love and happy with a boy who continues to surprise him and delight him every day all the while missing the girl that he wanted so desperately to _love_ the way he and Benji had begun to love each other. 

_Dear Simon,_

_I’m headed to the Spring Art showcase this weekend. It will be the first time I see Mia outside of class since the dance. It’s hard to be happy and sad at the same time. Part of me is angry because it looks like she’s moved on with Andrew and I don’t know why she won’t talk to me. Part of me feels guilty for being so selfish. I’m not sure how to feel about missing a friend I didn’t mean to lie to. I’m not sure what to do because I don’t know how much more or how differently I can apologize._

_As much as Pilar has been okay with me and she’s been able to keep a friendship with Mia. I know enough not to ask her to intervene. Even Benji’s getting along with her because they’ve been sharing space as they continue to put their pieces together._

_This is a different feeling of alone. That somehow, I’ve brought these people together or that Mia’s still in my life without being in my life. I am not sure if any of this makes sense. While I know I could have never felt for her the way I feel for Benji, I know that her absence in my life has definitely left a hole in my heart._

_I know you said to wait when we first broke up but, what do I do with this lingering pain, Simon?_

_Love, Victor_

It didn't take a whole day for Victor to receive Simon's response. Because he was with Benji at the time, he read it aloud to him. 

_ Dear Simon,  _

_ I know what you mean. Leah and my sister were in a band together all the while she wasn’t talking to me. It wasn’t easy for me, but I had to respect her journey. I remember you telling me she told you that you broke her heart, right? How would you feel if a person you cared about told you that you weren’t the kind of person you wanted to care about? How long would you give yourself to heal?  _

_ Sometimes the cost of happiness is that we risk hurting people we care about to the point that they don’t want to talk to us overnight. During those times, we have to really sit with what it meant for someone to give us so much when we didn’t give them as much?  _

_ Think about how much you share with Benji. You told him you were a virgin before you told MIa, right? Benji told you about the car accident at Wendy’s--something he hasn’t told a lot of people at school. You two trusted each other with some of the hardest stuff...Thinking about that, Mia shared a lot with you about her family, about the life she missed--if I remember correctly--she shared who she was with you wanting you to do the same.  _

_ And I know--I know why it’s that much harder for people like us. Heh, I remember that first message you told me about how hard it was going to be for you. Now, think about how she was okay with Benji and Derek--think about what someone being okay with other gay people must feel when the person they grew to trust didn’t trust them with that.  _

_ It’s hard to know who’s not going to love us for being who we are. That’s why so many of us wait. And, as a teenager, when we want so much from each other--when we judge each other so much--giving of ourselves is a great risk.  _

_ I waited months before I talked to my friends again. My mom told me that sometimes the lies we tell people hurt as much as the reality that informs why we lie. Coming out is as much about growing comfortable with who we are as well as coming to terms that, as people surprise us with not caring, we have to come to terms with the hurt that trusting them in the first place transpired.  _

_ It’s not easy. It’s not fair. But being authentic in our skin never is.  _

  
  


_ Love, Simon  _


	16. Art show

“That’s pretty powerful,” Benji says. 

They’re closing up Brasstown when the message arrives. Victor having handed him the phone when Simon responds. 

Victor shrugs in response, setting the clean mugs back in their place. 

“I know we don’t talk about the friends I lost after I came out,” Benji says, “and it’s because I didn’t know how to really talk to them and...you’re pretty amazing for not using me to get closer to Mia again.”

“I should have been honest with you about how much it hurt, though--not because I wanted you to stop being friends with her...more because I don’t know what I’m doing here.”

“What do you mean?” Benji asks as he begins to set chairs on their tables, “Because I’m friends with Mia or because you miss Mia or--

“All of it,” Victor says leaning against the counter, watching Benji move. “I mean I love us--

“I do, too--

“And I love that everyone loves each other, it’s just that...I dunno.”

“You can’t have your cake and eat it too?”

“Ouch!” 

“But it’s true,” Benji says, pausing from the seats, “I mean, it’s like you’re still new to being out, and Simon’s got some good points about all the layers behind coming out, especially when people’s feelings get caught in our attempts to be straight--Mia’s a sexy clown and while you didn’t have sex with her...she now knows why and whether or not she’s having sex or thinking about having sex with someone else, you remind her that she got caught up in getting close with someone who didn’t. And had very strong feelings for someone who didn’t  _ trust  _ her enough to be honest with her--

“You know that’s not true, B,” Victor says, scanning the room for chairs to flip. 

As he starts flipping chairs, trying to keep himself busy, Benji says, “I do, but that doesn’t mean she does. There are still places and people I can’t go visit or talk to because they remind me--and even if they like the new me or vice versa, it still hurts...it hurts who we were too each other or who we wanted to be in each other’s lives. You’re being stubborn, Victor.”

“Stubborn?”

Benji nods as Victor continues putting up the rest of the chairs. 

“I’m not being stubborn, I’m just--I dunno how long I can be punished--

“Punished? She’s not even talking to you  _ or  _ about you--it could have gone worse?”

“Worse than losing your best friend?”

“You could have lost that  _ and  _ never gotten the boy,” Benji says coming up behind him and wrapping his arms around him. 

Victor takes a breath, “I guess…”

“You could have lost your best friend and she could have contributed to the homophobia that you were afraid of--

“I see your point,” Victor says turning in Benji’s embrace. 

“You could have come out and…”

“And lost everyone--family  _ and  _ friends…”

“Exactly.”

“And been caught up in the apocalypse….”

“No need to get overdramatic, V…”

“You love that about me…”

“Hmm,” Benji says looking up as though considering it. 

“I love that about you,” Victor says.

“One of the many things,” Benji says stroking Victor’s back. 

“The many things,” Victor echoes before planting a kiss on Benji’s lips. 

***

The artist showcase turns the school into a museum, where the walls are lined with paintings, drawings, photos, interspersed with sculptures. Victor _cannot not_ be impressed by the quality of work students are showcasing, definitely better than his first date with Mia. Students’ works blend with each other, organized by themes more than the artists themselves. 

While the lockers and closed classroom doors remind him that they’re walking through a school, Victor takes in the changing ambiance. They even have a catalog with brief descriptions of the pieces. Most of Benji’s contributions are either pencil or charcoal on paper. He knows a number of the pieces because he had been sitting in Benji’s room or in Brasstown when he started them or because of the way he described them. 

Victor lands at Mia’s piece when she’s not there. He’s not sure if it was intentional or not, given that many students were by their pieces and he talked to some of them. The sculpture Mia had started when they were (fake) dating had been done. It stood taller than him, with a floor lamp positioned in such a way to allow it to take space. The angles were intense, more expansive than her earlier versions. He took in the bent and melded poles, arms reaching out and pushing away at the same time. 

Then, remembering that the space taken would be through the shadows cast and not the object itself, Victor turns to find the shadows cast. The arms he saw in the bent and conjoined metal now appear like flames against the floor, round and soft and full. They remind him of the grief Mia shared with him, the grief of a girl whose parents weren’t as involved as his. The rage of a girl feeling replaced. He saw her grief and her rage take up space in the shadows. As if Mia could only take up space in the shadows. And that awareness, that aha went down to his bones. Because in taking in what that meant, taking in that the truths he kept in the shadows kept her there too and she, all she wanted to do--all she needed was someone who unconditionally loved the space she took up in her lives. And loved that space honestly, unapologetically. And he, in response to her faithfulness, her openness, the space she gave him the space she sought to occupy in his life, kept her in the shadows, unable to take up the space that her sculpture had done so easily. 


	17. Mia's offer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This last chapter is told from Mia's point of view

It is difficult to see Victor teary at her piece. He was there when she was using her creme brulee tool to burn the metal together. He called her pretty. He saw her mind before her face and then didn’t really see himself. She’s grateful she had walked away without knowing he was going to be there let alone linger at it for as long as he had. “Hey,” Andrew says, setting his hand on the small of her back. 

“Hey,” she says turning towards him, their lips sharing a quick peck. 

She turns to Victor taking in her piece again and considers going up to talk to him. She’s been wanting to talk to him for a while, conversations with both Veronica and Andrew helping her parcel out what of her pain was what she didn’t want to to see in herself from Victor’s struggles as a new boy. Not because he didn’t break her out, more because of pressures to fit in and lie to yourself and others all too well. “I’m gonna…” she begins to say. 

Andrew nods, then kisses her forehead before she walks towards the long lanky boy who loved her blue flavored lip gloss. Because colors have flavor, not the fruits they try to be more like the moods they hope to convey. She finds sadness and regret in his eyes. She knows him enough to know what that looks like. “Hey,” she tells him, sliding her hand in her pockets, making them fit to keep herself from hugging him. She knows it’s too soon. 

“This is amazing, Mia,” Victor says with a sniffle. 

“Thank you,” she answers with a smile, aches tugging a little in her heart. “It’s a relief to have it done--to have let it go.”

Victor nods. 

“Andrew and I were thinking of going to Waffle House after,” she says taking one of her hands out of her pocket. “Wanna join us?”

Victor blinks slowly but nods quickly after, a smile spreading across his face. 

She reaches out her free hand to his, gives it a squeeze, and says, “See you later, V.”

“See ya,” he answers, biting his bottom lip as she offers him an “I forgive you” smile before walking back to Andrew. 

On her way there, she comes across Benji, “Still down for Waffle house?”

Benji nods. “Thirty minutes?” he asks. 

She nods, “I have some questions about your piece,” she says wrinkling her nose. “Now that they’re done…”

“Can’t wait,” Benji says with a smile. 

It doesn’t take long for her to turn around, find Victor’s arms wrapped tightly around Benji, shuddering. He catches her watching him, so she winks. 

Letting go feels so freeing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels anticlimatic that this ended, mostly because I want so much more of Mia and Victor friendship. Still, it was important to get Mia's perspective. There was too much to say to write more than I had. If I could draw, I'd have drawn her finished sculpture because something about taking up space felt pertinent. And so, I hope you enjoyed how I let her take up the space in her life and in Victor's life.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope to post the next chapter by next week. I hope to rewatch the show between now and then to get an idea of how I want to write what happens next. I want to indirectly address what the salon stylist in the pink suit (episode 1 prologue) left us to think about re: the fears of some Christian denominations v. the progress of others.


End file.
